lunes, septiembre 17, 2007

Letting Go of Resentments, or, When the Past tries to Haunt You

Note: I've gone back and edited this piece to remove some of the nastier bits...

You know, I'm all about letting go of resentments. I was recently making a list of resentments I have and was surprised to find so many were dropping of the list. That's so far away now, I don't really cherish any ill-feelings towards that person. Maybe I don't cherish any positive feelings for them, or want them in my life in any way shape or form, but I don't put energy into wishing them ill, or for that matter, thinking about them at all.

Until reminders of their presence is forced upon me.

A good friend of mine called to let me know she'd run into my 'ex. Now, of the three (?) people who might have some claim to the title "ex," three of them are white and two of them are male. I know someone once told me they'd met "your ex-boyfriend," and that made me mad too, just that one of those guys might be claiming to be my ex-boyfriend. My preferred term is "transition guy."

You can tell already that I'm a handful, can't you?

So back to this woman. She told my friend that "she and I were married for four years" but that now Ktrion "hates me." My friend, who knows me well and also has no reason to see me angry or hateful was understandably puzzled by this comment.

But all my letting go of resentments aside, I have to admit that I am irked to find that this white woman is claiming her ex-status with me as a way of giving her "i'm a white woman but with good politics" spiel some kind of credibility.

Also, I am irked that this person claims we were "married" for four years. Since she did not act as such at the time. I'm just saying, there's a contradiction there.

Granted, there was a ceremony. One I refer to now as "my delayed Quinceañera." All Chicana dykes need some kind of coming-out, coming-of-age ceremony. And somehow being an adult woman is usually tied to either childbirth or marriage. And, okay, I wanted my family to acknowledge and support me in my queerness.

She also expressed having "worried" about me after hearing that I was in Columbus, Ohio. You know, worried, in that way that white women worry about women of color. Again, this is a person who had shown a distinct lack of interest in my emotional well-being, during the historical period in which she was in a position to affect same. And such a statement certainly did not acknowledge me as a strong, a fierce woman of color,... with, by the way, a partner who loves and supports me and cares about my physical and mental well-being, talks with me after a hard day so that I know I'm not all alone against the craziness

The few years I spent with that person some fifteen years ago or so, by no means hold up to any kind of comparison to my relationship with L*, which has created poetry, survived two dissertations, three cross-country moves, one marathon, several homes, two cats, health, illness, family deaths, the traumas of academe and the joy of true partnership with a mature, loving, giving, smart-as-nails partner. (yes, partnership with a partner. i said that.)

L* taught me that trust can be grown, that love isn't a battlefield, that a relationship can foster creativity and growth, and change. And many many more things. Y'all KNOW I love me some L*.

I don't want my life tainted by resentments. I have so much to be thankful for. So many wonderful people in my life. So lucky to be here. With L*.

4 comentarios:

bint alshamsa dijo...

Ah, ex's! I suffered an extreme amount of infidelity and verbal abuse in my first two adult relationships. Now that some years have passed, I don't really feel any resentment towards them. I think there are several reasons why. For one, I've found a great partner who constantly surprises me by being even more understanding and accepting than anyone else in my life. In all our years together, he has never once complained about his lot in life or how his plans for the future had to be delayed/dropped once I got the diagnosis.

The kind of love that exists when one partner is a person with a disability and the other person isn't truly has no equal. I know so many couples who were faring just fine until one got sick and the other just bailed. That is why I love hearing about the relationship between you and L*.

Anyway, the other reasons I'm not really resentful towards my first two ex's is because both of them have gone on to reap the consequences of their screwed up actions. They are both so lonely and sorry for how things went with us that now I just hope that if they find someone who might be willing to give them a chance, they'll treat that person better than they did me.

That's pretty awful about your ex having the nerve to even discuss whatever relationship you once had with her just to bolster her "people of color love me" credentials.

Ktrion dijo...

Thank you so much for this!

I had to go back and edit my original post, because--in spite of my desire to speak rightly, I was obviously still trying to show "Don't mess with me! I am scary!"

Your message and serenity helped me see that and let go of it.

When I first wrote the post, i didn't know if I would put it up, or leave it up.

One of the most tremendous things about L* is that I don't have to worry that she'll stop loving me if I grow in this direction...or that one. I don't have to hide any part of who I am, or try to stunt my own growth.

Thank you again.

Laura Luna dijo...

OMG I sooo needed this post today. Thank you....It's nice to hear what true partnership is and what it is not...I admire you and am happy that you have L*

raquefella dijo...

Letting go of resentments? You mean it's POSSIBLE??? Tell that to my exes then! Just kidding...the adult in me says this is wonderful and I wish you further excellence!